Sunday, February 27, 2011

"Tell All the Truth But Tell It Slant"

The above title is a quote from my homegirl E. Dickinson, who is basically saying one of the most important things a guy should keep in mind while he is around a woman.

Men can often feel like they're walking on eggshells around a woman's feelings or stepping all over them because they don't understand how deeply they can hurt. Guys seem to think that honesty is the best policy is always the right answer...sounds moral enough to be right after all.

And like Emily should be honest...but you should also be tactful. Honesty is really an art to those who understand what people want to hear, and if you're about to say the real honest blunt truth...the way you said it in your head...she's gonna hear something way worse than you intended.

Let's look at some delicate situations:

She says: "Babe...I love this dress, do you like it? Do you think I can pull it off?"

Now you don't have to lie if you don't like it, but it's better to be sensitive to your girl's body. So a good answer might be something like "Well you always look good in anything you wear, but I personally like when you wore (insert favorite dress or outfit), it makes your (insert sexy bodypart) look hot."

But what if she persists and asks: "So.....are you saying you don't like it?"

Ahh so typical... many women will dig and dig at you until you say what you're REALLY thinking. So what's your strategy? Kill her with kindness...and eventually she will drop it. So an acceptable response could be "No, I think it's a cool dress, but it doesn't really sing to me like your other ones do." The point is to accentuate the positive and your opinion will look like more of a compliment than anything else.

Here's another scenario that you should approach similarly:

She looks at herself in the mirror and you are in the room. She says out loud: "Ugh...I think i've gained like 10 pounds...gross."

So maybe this statement is fairly accurate...and your girl has acquired some love chub. Here's three things you shouldn't do:
1. Agree with her and chime in on the pity party
because she'll think wow what an asshole!
2. Blatantly lie and tell her she's super skinny
because your trustworthiness will come into question
3. Pretend you didn't hear and say nothing
because she'll fill in the blanks with: omg i'm such a huge cow that he can't even lie to me.

The way you approach this one is a bit tricky, but you're going to have to again accentuate the positive and downplay her negative vibes. A good and quick response to this is "Oh stop, you know you're beautiful."This says two things: I think you're beautiful and you should think so too. What's even better about this answer is she can't over analyze what you're saying...because it's so to the point. And if she persists and looks at you like she wants you to just agree with can just repeat that quote over and over till she exhausts herself :)

She says: "So what do you think of my family/friends?"
Now if you answer wrong, things could get pretty ugly (if your opinion isn't exactly what she was hoping for). Always remember that her family/friends have been there longer than you have, so don't openly diss her clan at any point. If she says things about her little brother that are not so nice, that doesn't mean she's okay with you saying it...don't assume you have any room to talk negatively about the people she loves most. Now if you need to bring something up, it's best to say how you feel, but don't use absolutes, give the person in question the benefit of the doubt...let's use an example of how this can best be handled:

Wrong Convo:
You: You were right about your brother...he is kind of a d**k
Her: He's not a d**k...he was just kidding with you
You: Yeah well he should treat the guy you're seeing better...
Her: You're being too sensitive...

Vibe: Totally awkward! You just put her in a weird position against her brother. She loves the both of you...but when it's him against're probably going to lose.

Much Better Convo:
You: Does your brother give every guy who likes you a hard time or am i just special?
Her: What do you mean?
You: I don't know...I feel like he was picking on me a little :( Does he like me?
Her: Of course he just got to give him a little time :)

Vibe: Aww...she feels bad that you didn't get a good impression of her brother. Maybe she'll have a talk with him, so next time you'll get a better impression!

She says: Is something wrong? You're acting a little distant today...
Now if something is wrong, you should definitely say so. In fact, it's best to express what's bothering you asap so it doesn't build up and turn into a scary, mean avalanche of everything that is wrong with your relationship or with her. It's always best to talk things out and approach what may seem scary with kindness and understanding. But here's the exception...if you're breaking up with her, blunt honesty is actually a good thing. There's no need to console her with a promise of a phone call just to be nice, because that will only cause confusion and more hurt in the end. All that is required is an honest, heartfelt explanation for why your relationship is not working out...nothing you do or say will make it easier for her, so there is no need for empty remarks.

The truth hurts...but we all need to know it!
Thanks for reading <3 :)
p.s. big thanks to the beautiful girly who let me take this pic ^

Friday, February 18, 2011

Behind the Text: What You're Really Saying

Receiving text messages from people we don't know very well, can leave us feeling a little confused or put-off at times, especially when you don't know their intentions. There are so many miscommunications that can occur during a friendly exchange that even when we think we are saying something harmless, it can be taken in the wrong way.

 I think we've all been there when we said something that was meant to be funny and it came off as mean, or something serious came off as sarcastic, or something funny came off as creepy. We need to realize that the person on the other side is not a mind reader; they can't see what you're all about except through what you are directly saying. Let's clear up some of vibes you don't want to send and the one you do!

Flirty Texts

My lovely friend Bailey recently posted:

"I have been recently told that inserting a "happy face" in a text message translates as flirting? Is this true? My God, if so that means I've been flirting with my entire list of contacts!"

The answer to this depends who you're smiling at! Not all smileys are deliberately flirty, because much like my friend Bailey, I smiley at everyone. Now...I said deliberately for a reason, because I can see how Hey you :) seems to be expressing more excitement to the person in question than Hey you. So, the rule of thumb is, if you just met a guy/girl and don't know them that well....then yeah you are flirting. But even so, the receiver shouldn't assume it's a sign of interest, because being flirty could just be part of a person's character. A little flirt don't hurt ;)

Sexy Texts or "Sexts"

Men can let their imaginations and their fingers run a little wild when they send stuff that's quite scandaloso....but guys...let's avoid the creeper zone and stay in the keeper zone. Here are some things that make us cringe with embarrassment for you.

Sending us topless photos and um....bottomless photos. 
Maybe you are pretty good looking and you're packin a chipotle burrito...and you're more than proud of it. Sending us these photos DOES NOT turn us on. It makes us laugh. So if laughter is your aim, then by all means, snap away! But having been on the receiving end of these photos...more than once...I feel obligated to share this information with you--it's not sexy. Why not? Because women are not the visual creatures you want to turn her on? Give her a massage or feed her some chocolate dipped strawberries. Boom.

Don't Sext Before we've done the deed.
It's fine to send texts of "You looked great today" or "You're so sexy." But let's not go into what you want to do to us before we've even decided you're worth going there for. Nothing turns a girl on more than a guy who seems like he's not even thinking of sex (even if he is). Reverse psychology guys...get with it! Talking about it via text builds the anticipation...but not in a good way. It makes a guy seem too eager for things to go down...and eager beavers never win.

Don't hide behind your text
If you are going to send sexy or romantic texts in the first place guys/ladies...please own what you're saying. There are some out there who say will say certain things they think their guy/lady wants to hear, but when it comes down to it, they are all talk and no action. Good rule of thumb: don't say anything in a text that you wouldn't be comfortable saying in person...or else you look like you have a total Jekyll and Hyde thing going on there...not cool.

The Best Text
Good morning/afternoon (Insert flattering adjective), I hope you're having an amazing day :)

-This text always puts a smile on my face and starts my day off right. This will drive a woman right into your arms, because it says you're thinking of her and you want her to know :) awwwww

<3 everyone for sharing their ideas and supporting mah blog
Thank you! (and special thanks to Miss Bailey)

P.S. Check out my friend Bailey's blog for artistic inspiration and authentic style "Pop Rocks & Peacoats"

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Tips: Asking Her Out & First Date

For some men, making a good impression is one of the trickiest things to do when asking a woman out or taking her out for the first time. Many guys feel like they have to put up a front to impress a woman, and others feel like women should like them unconditionally for being who they are. The truth is, guys should be who they are, but also be thoughtful and considerate of their date.

The good news is, if you do your best on a date, you're most likely going to get a positive response from a woman. If she said yes to your date in the first place, the odds are already in your favor. But if you haven't asked her are some important things to consider:

Things to Remember When Making Your Move
1. Fresh Breath - if you don't got go get it. And yes, this could be a deal breaker, even if you just ate street tacos with way too much onion...for all she knows, you smell like that ALL the time. Not good.

2. Cologne - is a magic love potion. You should swear by it, because we can be attracted to guys just for the fact that they smell amazing (Ask your female friends which ones they like).

3. If you have no openers -a nice compliment will do (it's straightforward and will always be received well).

4. RELAX - Worst thing that will happen is she says no thanks...and most girls will give you kudos for being brave enough to ask (although you'll never know it). If she doesn't, she's a d-bag, and who wants that? Not you.

5. Get her digits or her facebook...don't expect her to ask you for it. She's looking for a man...a real man...and that's you.

6. Be clear - and call a spade a spade. If it's a date you want, then ask her on one. "Hanging out" is not a date, and will not be received as one. So don't be surprised if you go in for the kill and she gives you cheek. But if you wanna hold off on a date and get to know her (if she's some random girl), then facebook is probably the best conversation platform.

Once you've secured your spot with miss hottie, you don't want to mess it all up. The first date is always the benchmark that women will look to when they are deciding whether or not you're a good guy and your intentions are honest. Here are some things to remember for this special occassion:

The First Date
1. See above (1-4)...they still apply and are VERY IMPORTANT.

2. Always compliment your date, because she spent A LOT of time getting ready. So if she looks stunning, do not hold back, let her know. She will have a lot more fun on the date if she feels great.

3. Chivalry, Chivalry and oh yeah Chivalry - Opening doors, pulling out her seat for her, and letting her order first are all gestures that make a woman feel special. Being a gentleman is never overrated, a woman will most likely appreciate (and reciprocate) any extra effort you put into your date. Don't overdo it though, constantly saying "my lady"... is unnecessary and frankly a little creepy.

4. Hand Holding is Awkward Before a Date (if you don't know her that well) - Now we think it's cute that you want to display your affection, but if we barely know you, it's not a good move to hand hold. It just feels like an obligation more than something we are ready to do. Now, if things are moving along really well on the date, and you share excellent chemistry, then hand holding may be perfectly appropriate. Give her the the chance to see what you're about and definitely read her body language to see if she wants to go there. Odds are if she's walking really close to you, like almost bumping into you, that's a sure sign that she wants to hold your hand too.

5. Don't sit and stare - You must keep the conversation flowing and if you have absolutely nothing to talk about, then you asked this girl out for the wrong reasons. Do a little research ahead of time and save yourself from awkwardness.

6. Do something interesting - dinner and a movie is almost always a sure thing, but dinners can feel like interviews and you can't really talk that much on your way to a movie. Some good alternatives: wine bar, museums, concerts, picnic, sporting event etc.

7. Pick up the tab - Now I know that some guys think going dutch is cool and modern, but honestly's not sexy. Sometimes a girl genuinely won't mind picking up her share, but most times, it's a silent expectation. Even if she insists that you split the tab...the odds are she is testing you. Don't fail that test. There will be times in the future, where its perfectly appropriate to accept her offer, but doing it on a first date is a sure way of telling her that she's not worth your time.

8. If it feels right, go ahead and kiss her. Again, if you're really into this girl and you want to kiss her, observe her body language and the chemistry between you two. Lots of laughing, touching, bumping, playful glances are big flashing signs that she's into you. But if you're not seeing any sparkle in her eyes, it's just better to hug it out and say your goodbyes. And that's not always a bad sign, some girls just need a little more time before they feel comfortable with kissing you.

9. Do not ask her to come back to your place (assuming you want to see her again) - end the date and walk away. And conversely, don't ask to come  into her place. There are plenty of other times when this will be appropriate, but just leave the good memories as they are, and don't invite potentially awkward endings.

Hope these tips help you :)
If anyone has more to add, please do! <3

Thanks for Reading!

Friday, February 4, 2011

Why Do Women Blow Up Their Insecurities?

There comes a time in every relationship, when a man realizes the lady he is courting is carrying around a few heavy pounds of baggage behind her back...and the more time he spends with her,  the more he sees the bags drop one by one...and some of them are carrying explosives.

Sound familiar? It probably does...assuming you are dating a real flesh and blood human (blowup dolls are very self assured). If you have been dating for awhile or are in the midst of a relationship, it is very likely that you have come across a couple of insecurities hiding in your woman's closet. Some of you guys find them irritating and some of you might be more supportive, but you still might wonder: Why do women have so many hangups? Doesn't she know she's beautiful? Why do I always have to reassure her? Does she want me to be honest? Why should I be responsible for the way she feels? 

It's understandable why these things can be a burden to a relationship and be the root of a lot of arguments. But let's keep everything in perspective fellas...we deal with your insecurities too.

Underneath that rock hard exterior, we have good grasp of what makes you guys feel insecure, even though you might never say it. We understand that men are insecure about getting older, balding, bedroom performance, income, weight gain etc. And we also see that we have to do very little to comfort your insecurities, because you do a pretty good job of that all on your own! So why can't women do the same?

Likely Hypothesis
As you probably have noticed by now, women have more pressure on them to be "the whole package." I do think that men face this same pressure, but a lot of men's insecurities are not focused on the relationship itself, rather the competition they encounter in their own individual lives. In my own experience, I would say that women have a greater desire to be in a partnership, so a lot of their insecurities are driven toward the relationship front. With this being the case, women feel a greater need to aim for perfection (even though we realize that this is unattainable). We sometimes have irrational fears about our imperfections, because we think it would be a factor in your choice to be with us rather than other women.

Now, assuming your intentions are never to hurt your partner, you might push the wrong buttons sometimes without realizing it, and come off as insensitive. Even the most confident woman wants to know that her man desires her, and there are a number of ways men can do it without saying a word.

Body Insecurities
Now this should really be a no brainer for most guys, because most or all women have some type of hangup about some part of their body. The way you prevent the insecurity from even forming is simple...praise all her physical flaws. From her cottage cheese to her hairy back, she will feel like she's a supermodel if she knows that the thing that worries her most is beautiful in your eyes. Even if you just take a long seductive look at her, it's enough for any woman to feel like she can completely let loose around you... and lowering inhibitions  always makes for good times ;)

But wait a I supposed to lie about how I feel about it?
So let's say your not too crazy about the belly rolls, or the hair above her lip. Shouldn't you voice your concern? To this I say, you definitely can...but don't expect her to feel okay about it. If you absolutely must say something, and you don't want the backlash of an argument later, it's best to be considerate and delicate about it. If it's a weight issue, maybe you resolve to do more outdoor activities and eat healthier and you recruit her as your partner in that. She might be smart enough to realize what you're trying to say, but with this kind of action, you're not simply judging her, but offering her your support by showing that you're willing to go the extra mile too.

And let's be fair, if she's got some issues in a department, you should take a good look at your own flaws before you decide to address hers. A good rule of thumb is if you choose to voice what you really think, don't do it it with kindness and respect and it will be returned to you as well. There's no need to blow up her insecurities more, because odds are, she's blown them up enough.

For the guys that think some physical flaws can be deal breakers, I think you should recognize that your woman has probably forgiven a multitude of your attributes very easily--so why can't you return the same understanding? If you truly can't get past the physical hangups of your woman, the odds are, you're not in love with her, because love is truly blind.

Whew...that was a long one...Thanks for reading!
Opinons and comments welcome! <3
p.s. shout out to mah homie jose for being my model :D

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Slow it Down Gentleman...There's no Rush

So you found a woman you really like, and you can't help are head over heels for her! She's got the whole package: looks, funny, smart, confident, giving...just plain amazing. All you want to do is spend time with her, talk with her, be in this woman's's all new and exciting...blah blah blah.

Please Romeo,

Slow your roll and open your eyes. It's great that you're getting excited about seeing us, don't get me wrong--but we can sense when you're laying the love on too strong. And the bad thing is, we women know we shouldn't take what men say to heart, but some things carry more weight than you think.

In my girlfriends' and my own experience with men, we see that men tend to rush relationships...and then freak themselves out. I know many women that have gone through this, and ended up hurt and confused in the end. 

So my plead to men is this: If you really like this woman, then spare her the future talk if you don't really mean it. I can't tell you how many times guys do this within the first few months. Even if it seems innocent enough to're better off not saying it. 

Well why not? You might ask....and to that I say, have you ever had a "psycho/clingy/pushy" ex, where you didn't understand why they all of a sudden changed on you? If that's you, then you probably want to listen up...

Here are some things to consider:

1. If you're itching to introduce her to your family...make sure you're doing it because you are SERIOUS about her. For women, this is a big gesture, don't use this one unless you are ready for a long term commitment.

2. Don't hint at marriage in the beginning of a relationship. I know some of you just can't help yourselves and the other ones are puzzled by this statement, but it's very important that you don't do this. Women read into everything guys say...EVERYTHING. We remember the way you said it, what time you said it, what you were wearing when you said it etc. The marriage topic should only come up when you are really considering it, any other time is just misleading.

3. Do NOT say I love you, when you don't mean it...period. Even if she says it first and is waiting for your response, it's better to say "I really like you, which doesn't mean I won't love you, it just means I haven't gotten there yet." There is nothing more insulting to a woman than a man who professes his love too soon and without care. We understand that it takes time....really we do, so be honest.

4. If you feel like the spark is fading, and you're just not excited as you used to be about your partner, then by all means bow out of the relationship....sooner rather than later. If you care about this person, it's best to end things before it gets too messy. Sometimes men let their relationships drag on longer than they're supposed to, and start to act distant and indifferent towards the woman they used to shower so much attention on. 

5. Lastly and most importantly, if you feel like you're willing to go the distance with this girl. Delay the part you want most, because we know that once we let you hit that home run, things are inevitably going to change. If you think they won't or haven''re kidding yourself. And maybe it doesn't change for the guy, but for most warm blooded women, sex with the man you're in love with hits pretty deep.

I don't think men intentionally try to mislead women into thinking more about a new relationship, but the fact is that they do! Women are made to consider every angle of their lover, and we take what you say and do to heart. If you wanna let you're lady know you're crazy about her, just say so, there's no need  to drop the big L word if you're not ready. 

Happy to respond to questions/comments,